On Mothering: Words From a Non-Superwoman

I’ve always loved my mother, always known that she is invaluable, but it wasn’t until I had my own child that I truly realized the work mothers put in. Even now, I type this with one hand. (The other is on baby duty.) There is little in life that prepares you for the task of raising a tiny person. No book can tell it; no class can teach it. It all has to be learned there on the spot, right in those moments when you’re tired and frustrated, angry and agitated, lost and confused. That is the job of a mother. Yet and still, it is the most rewarding job around.


I don’t know what other mothers went through, but nowadays, it’s tough to be the Superwomen we’re expected to be. “Have it all,” they say. And we sure do try, balancing parenting, careers, personal relationships and our social lives better than any juggler you’ve ever seen. It all looks so easy—to the ill-informed observer. We, however, know better.

Anyone who is decent in math is already aware: A pie cannot be divided into “wholes.” The more shares there are to go around, the smaller each share is. That is an absolute, in math and in life. The harder we try to be Superwomen, capable of all things at all times, the farther we get away from the natural balance.

This is not to say that a mother must be that and only that. I am completely against losing yourself in the eye of motherhood. This is to say that sacrifices do have to be made. Somewhere between June Cleaver and GI Jane, some of us adopted the idea that mothering is just another notch on the belt, a blip on our life events radar. Being a parent takes a type of commitment that can’t be replicated. It takes a type of energy that can never be depleted, and it takes an understanding that it is okay human.

Mothers aren’t larger-than-life super beings. Attempting to be one only leads to disappointment you definitely don’t need. Finding the balance between fading into nothing and reaching to be everything can be hard. Between the two lies a thick gray area that is rarely discussed in public forums. It sometimes seems that the only options are to lose yourself in motherhood or lose yourself in an attempt not to lose yourself in motherhood (if that makes any sense). I suggest another option, a middle road. Give yourself permission not to be that overworked woman with much worth enjoying and little time to enjoy it. Give yourself permission to wait, breathe, and experience wherever you are in your life right now. Before you know it, your children will be grown and you will be wondering where the time went.
I have plenty of personal goals I’d like to accomplish outside of motherhood, and some of them have had to be shelved for the time being. I’m okay with that. I had no problem bumping them down a spot on my priority list. My focus now is building a foundation for my daughter while still maintaining a semblance of my previous life. That alone is a handful. Everything else will be achieved in time.

~Nadirah Angail

PS: If you’ve noticed, I haven’t posted in a while. That’s because I’ve been working on turning my women's issues blog into a book. Be on the look out for “On all the things that make me beautiful: Short inspirational essays on life, love and self.” Stay tuned for more details.





Zara's Mommy,
Nadirah Angail

A case AGAINST being a SAHM (GASP)

It's not what it looks like. I assure you. I'm not selling out on my SAHM squad. Just listen...
I love being a SAHM. It's something I've always known I've wanted to do. Never questioned it. And that's why it works for me. It's a labor of love.
Whenever you do something you truly love, it's that love that gets you through the hard times, the frustrating times, the OMG-somebody-please-come-and-get-this-baby times. Women that do not have this same love are the ones that should not be SAHMs.
Women that feel obligated or forced to to stay don't deal with the stresses as well. If you don't feel like it was your choice, and if you don't have a genuine connection to it, it becomes more of a prison sentence rather than a bonding time.
You've heard the saying: If moma ain't happy, nobody's happy. That's so true. An unhappy mother who feels trapped in her own home will only yield unhappy children and an unhappy husband. It's far better to be a satisfied mother with a traditional job than a depressed mother that stays home.
It's not always that easy, though. Some women, out of expectation from their family or requests by their husbands, feel like they have no choice. Some people are so attached to the idea that the mere suggestion of something else seems outrageous. What’s really outrageous is that mothers are suffocating and taking it out on their children. It's outrageous that marriages are being stamped out by resentment and deserted dreams. I see it in some of the blogs, women trying to mask their bitterness with jokes and folly.
Some people are extremely gung-ho about women getting out of the house and abandoning traditional roles. Others cling desperately to the conventions they feel are 100% necessary for families to thrive. I wouldn’t put myself in either group; it’s too dangerous out there on those poles. I’d rather stay safely in the middle, protected by the shades of gray.

I wouldn’t say that a woman has to stay home or that she should work. I’d only say that she has to take care of herself and her family, that she has to have peace of mind so she can spread it throughout her home. That’s about the only thing a woman has to do. Everything else is up for negotiation. At least that’s how it works in my mind.





Zara's Mommy,
Nadirah Angail

Have you seen my $83,376?

Now that I'm a SAHM, I've gotten into the habit of telling people I don't work. I need to clarify that statement, because, as it is, it's extremely misleading and downright false. What I mean and should be saying is that I do work (quite hard, actually) just not at a job that compensates me with biweekly paychecks in the form of US currency. Ok, that is a mouthful. Maybe I should just tell them that I don’t work for the MAN *said with a fiery attitude*. Nah, that sounds too controversial, like it might start a long conversation that I don’t even have the time to get into. Ok, what about “Family Operations Executive”? Yeaaaaa, sounds fancy, huh? But then I’d have to deal with all the questions about what a FOE is. I’m going to have to keep thinking on this name, but either way, I definitely work. SAHMs don’t get paid, but if we did, I think we should get $83,376. Why $83,376? Well, because:


I looked into it. The price varies, but Merry Maids (you know, the company that has the commercial with the jolly maids cleaning homes) charges around 180 for 2 hours, or 90/hr. Since I spend around 2 hours cleaning a day (I’m sure it’s more for people with older children) that’s 180 dollars x 7 days a week x 2 week=$2,520.

Then there is childcare. Looked into that, too. Daycarematch.com reports child care rates from all over the country. Their prices range between $314 and $640. I’ll situate myself right in the middle at $477. So that’s 477 a week x 2 weeks = $954. $2,520 + $954= $3,474. That amount paid biweekly comes out to $6,948 per month. That amount paid monthly comes out to $83,376 each year. And that’s not including all the other things SAHMs do. So, I'm not sure what I should be called, but I know I'm working!

Zara's Mommy,
Nadirah Angail