So, I Guess I Should Stop Dying My Hair. Whatchu think?

I've dyed my hair a bunch of times. Nothing major, only a deeper, darker shade of brown, anything to get rid of my natural shade (which I used to refer to as "dusty"). If I ever decide to get hilights, I guess that'll still be okay, but the full-on dying must stop.

When I was pregnant, I just knew my daughter would be born with black/really really dark brown, could-pass-for-black hair. That's how my husband's hair is and I assumed his genes would over power mine. I was right. She came out with a head full of shiny, black hair.

As the months went by, though, it changed. It kept getting lighter and lighter until it turned borderline red (in the right light, anyway). It's still just as cute as it was black, but I was shocked to see she was taking after my color.

Then it hit me: I can't put my own hair color down, call it mean names like "dusty", and expect her not to be affected when her hair is almost identical to mine. She's not even a year old yet, so I'm sure she hasn't noticed my abusive hair color comments, but it won't be long before she does.

I'm gearing myself up to raise a confident, self-loving daughter who doesn't feel the need to change things about herself to be beautiful and accepted. I have to start by accepting myself--reddish-brown hair and all. Sure, I could tell her "No, mommy's brown is ugly, but yours (which happens to look just like mine) is gorgeous," but we all know how well that would work. Children sometimes listen to what you say, but they always pay attention to what you do. I have to always keep that in mind. 

I don't want her to grow up thinking it's normal to put herself down. It may seem harmless, but all these seemingly harmless messages about our "flaws" are definitely being absorbed by our daughters. There are more than enough crazy messages out there. I can't allow myself to add one more.


Zara's Mommy, Nadirah Angail

Why I Sometimes Want to Kidnap Little Brown Boys

This world is backwards. A lot of people are nicer to complete strangers than they are to their own children. I don't care how much attitude you have. I don't care how foul-mouthed you are. There are certain people in your life you owe complete respect and kindess: your parents, your spouse and, yes, your children.

Because they're "yours," some people seem to think they can treat their children any ol' way. I completely disagree. Parents should model for their children the type of behavior they want them to display. In my case, I want Zara to be kind and respectful, so that's how I treat her.

Not everyone takes this approach.

Jus the other day, I saw a woman tell her no-older-than-6-years-old son "If you don't shut the F_ _ _ up, little boy..." I was in Target. I think he was pestering her about getting something. Begging children can be ANNOYING, I'll admit, but to talk to a child-your own child-like that is never called for.  I was so bothered. I wanted to just grab that little boy and bring him home with me. I'm not saying the woman is a bad mother. I dont know her in the least and have no business judging her overall parenting, but in that moment, she got an F. 

I notice a lot of times its mothers speaking this way to their sons. That makes it even worse. There seems to be an abundance of low quality men that have no clue how to relate to and respect women. This is no surprise when you consider the first relationship any male has with a woman is with his mother. If she curses him out as a child, its extremely easy for him to grow up and repeat that same behavior with women.

It's a cycle.

I'm even more disgusted when I see brown mothers doing this to their Little Brown Boys (LBBs). LBBs are born with targets on their back. It seems the world is just waiting to label them as "bad" and "disruptive." LBBs are more likely to be punished for their behavior in school and more likely to be held back and put in remedial classes. This is not because they're intrinsically flawed. It's because the odds are stacked against them. Every mother of a LBB should know this and do everything in her power to fight it. Cursing at your son and calling him things like "lil nigga" (yes, I've heard people say this) is downright criminal and teaches him that he has little worth and even less potential.

I don't have a son, but I have nephews (6 and 9m), and we've constantly covering them in the protective salve of kind, self-affirming words. We fill in every crack with love and reassurance that they are nothing less than the best and worthy of good things. They doesn't realize it, but they internalize these messages, and will be able to project them back out into the world when they get older.

It's a cycle.

Regardless of if you have a Little Brown Boy, a Little White Boys, a Little Yellow Boy, or a Little Brown-White-and-Yellow Boy, treat him with respect. Fill the space around him with beautiful words that let him know just how special he really is.




Zara's Mommy,
Nadirah Angail

Self Deprecation is NOT the New Black

I’m really new to this mom blogging thing, but I’ve noticed it’s pretty normal for moms to put themselves down…a lot. I consider it normal to have moments of self doubt, as evidenced by my Fat Cow Moments post, but to regularly talk down about yourself is not cool.
It doesn’t matter if you’re a SAHM who’s lost contact with most of her friends and rarely sees the light of day. It doesn’t matter if you’ve lost your girlish figure and have been trying to get it back for the past decade. It doesn’t matter if you’re divorced (and kind of bitter) or single (and kind or bitter) or married (and kind of bitter). Love yourself and the wonderful children you’ve been blessed with, even if they do terrorize your house.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to make changes in your life, but complaining about it and making yourself the butt of jokes doesn’t change anything. If you’d like to get out more, lose weight, go back to school, get a man (or lose a man), do it. Of course, it’s a lot easier said than done, but it’s not impossible. Make it a priority in your life the same way you’ve made your children a priority. If your daughter needs new slippers for ballet and you don’t have the money, you find a way to get them anyway. If your son needs you to pick him up from school because he’s feeling sick and you're in the middle of something important, you find a way to get there anyway. We make time for the things that are important. If you’re important (and I know you are) then make time for yourself and begin to reach for some of those goals that you’ve abandoned. It’s your life, and no one else’s. You have the responsibility of making it what you want!

Zara's Mommy,
Nadirah Angail

Hanna Montana/Miley Cyrus Will Not Be in This Home

It is hard to turn on the TV or go to the store and not see some type of Hanna Montana paraphernalia. Other than the Disney Channel show, there are posters, shoes, clothes, dolls, purses, lunch boxes, you name it. Now, I don't have a problem with Hanna. I actually think she has a great voice, but when my daughter gets older and starts to take interest in those sorts of things, it won't be Hanna Montana.

It's not because of that over-18 boyfriend she's got (or had, I don't really follow much what she's up to) or those in-her-undies photos that surfaced on the web. It's because she's white. Before you get upset and write me off as a racist, hear me out. There's nothing wrong with white people or being white, but my daughter is brown; and as a good mother, it's my duty to surround her with self-affirming images that would never make her question her worth and beauty.

It would be a different issue if it was just Hanna Montana, but its not. It's practically every girl on Disney channel (and Nickelodeon, and Noggin). It's majority of the dolls at the store. It's most of the faces in the magazines. It's many of the illustrations in library books. I can't allow this society to saddle my daughter with all these images that look nothing like her and think it won't have an affect. I've seen too many beautiful little brown girls wish away their brownness (blackness). That's more brown confidence shot to the ether.

I remember my mother searching through the library books to make sure they had enough brown faces in them. I remember her buying me brown dolls and refusing to let me "perm" my hair (no matter how much I begged). I didn't realize it at the time, but she was arming me with tools I needed to form a healthy, solid sense of self worth and acceptance.

This wouldn't be an issue if we lived in a world that loved everyone equally, but we don't. Our world is one that has infected the black community-and other communities as well-with the diseased notions of "good-hair" and the "paper bag test." Our world is one that makes otherwise beautiful people bleach their skin in the hopes if making it lighter. Our world is one that has black women buying up every hair product they can that promises to make their tresses straighter and silkier. It's a tough world. I'm bringing my armor.

Be clear: This doesn't mean that I'm going to shield her from all things white. That would be dangerous and impossible. I want her to recognize the beauty of diversity and all the different colors of people there are. I just don't want her to ever forget how beautiful she is.


Zara's Mommy,
Nadirah Angail